I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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