i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
