Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
