woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
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