someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
