So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
No stitches, just platelets and will power
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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