There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
