Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
I will pee on everything he values.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
