the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize