I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
