Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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