My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
