I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
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