Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
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