were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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