I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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