I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
