new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
