Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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