When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
