Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
