Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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