ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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