you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
at a party and just made O-H-I-O out of dicks and vajayjays...i hope someone took a pic i was too busy (; GO BUCKS!!!
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
