That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
