Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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