I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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