she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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