i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
