I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
