New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I think people are normalizing furries
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
