im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
