david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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