oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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