you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
