I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
