So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
