Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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