Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
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