How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
