I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
