wrigley field is MILF paradise
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
