Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
