I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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