He disabled his match.com account in front of me
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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