I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize