Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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