A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
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