I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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