is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
