I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize