I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
