First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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