we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize