ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
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