How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
