i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
