is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
