Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
