turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
We need a shit load of segways right now
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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