a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I accidentally had phone sex last night
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
