No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
