I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
