he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
