If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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